Welcome to 2014. To celebrate the New Year, I decided to do my annual Cleaning of the Car. OK, it’s not really annual, because it’s happened once in eight years. So it’s like octo-annual. Yeah. So, you know, it wasn’t always like this. I once drove a nice car. It wasn’t mommy-like at all. I kept it clean and shiny and French-fry free. It didn’t smell like feet. It didn’t have mud stained carpet or dog slobbered windows.
In any event, here’s what I found during the Great Car Archeological Excavation of 2014.
• 549 half empty packs of sugar-free gum. Or maybe they were half-full, I don’t know. I suspect that’s a philosophical question for the ages, much like: “if a Mom yells ‘pick your socks up off the floor’ and nobody listens to her, does that mean she never yelled?”
• 25 charging cords for phones I no longer have. At least I hope I no longer have them. They could be under the seats for all I know. Three charging cords for a phone I do have.
• 27 DVDs without cases; four DVD cases with the wrong DVDs inside; and one completely empty DVD case made to hold 35 DVDs. Clearly I had made plans to organize at one point in time, but much like my weight loss goals, it never happened.
• Two sets of wireless headphones, 52 sets of iPhone headphones locked together in a giant ball from which they will never be released. On the other hand, I have invented a new sport called headphone ball. I’m not sure of all the rules yet, but I believe it’s going to be a sort of dodge ball hybrid.
• 32 pounds of receipts from Target.
• Two coupons for 20 percent off at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
• Receipts and warranty info for each set of tires purchased in the past eight years, except of course for the most recent ones purchased in July.
• One remote for the DVD system – which I did not even know existed. Oh, wait. I knew the DVD system existed. I just never knew it came with a remote. And really? A remote? I mean, it’s in a car. It’s not like it’s more than arm’s reach to push the DVD buttons. Unless the roof rack really is for humans and not just used for idle threats, as in, “Stop hitting each other right now or one of you rides on the roof!”
• 300 pounds of change. Mainly pennies. So much for striking it rich.
• Maps. Yes, my car is so old that I actually have maps in the glove compartment. That includes one for Sunnyvale, a city I haven’t been to in six years.
• A wine bag from Solis Winery, which was sadly empty. And not because I drink and drive, people.
• Approximately 500 mini dental flosses with their original seals intact that I liberated from my dentist with full intent to use them. Although finding them did solve the mystery of what the clicking noise was every time I braked hard. Apparently, it was 500 mini dental flosses rolling around under my seat. On the plus side, I did floss today.
• Two packs of earplugs. I’m fairly certain these are due to my fondness for singing along with the radio.
• Approximately 492 French fries in varying states of decay. Also? One shrimp. I believe it had at one point been fried. Or possibly not. In any event, that find was icky.
But the good news is, I don’t have to do this for another eight years. And who knows what I’ll find during the 2022 excavation. Hopefully, no shrimp. Or gum.
