Somewhere around middle school something horrible happens to our sons. Yes, they discover … Axe Body Spray.
If you think you don’t know what Axe Body Spray is, think again. Have you ever been trapped in a bus that has just picked up several middle-school aged boys and smelled an odor that is a mix of malfunctioning septic tank and unrefrigerated blue cheese on a hot summer day?
There you go. You’ve smelled Axe Body Spray. Trust me. Nobody’s malfunctioning septic tank smells nearly as awful.
I swear to you, Axe Body Spray is evil. And although I cannot prove it, I think it is forged in hell by ice-skating devils. In fact, if you are an evil serial murderer, I truly believe that when you die, you are trapped in a circle of hell that consists solely of smelling Axe and never, ever being able to get the stench of it out of your nose.
Yes, it smells that bad. And it’s made worse by the fact that only boys between 11 and 13 use the stuff. And by “use” I mean they douse themselves in an entire Costco-sized can of it before they leave the house every day. And they re-spray after gym.
The real problem is that many, many parents do not understand the horror that is Axe Body Spray until they actually have the scent of it permeate their house. You see, Axe seems like a good idea. Around middle school, boys start to … er … smell funky – for lack of a better term.
And the concept of getting into a shower and perhaps washing away the funk is really foreign to them. In fact, studies show many boys between the ages of 11 and 13 believe they are allergic to water and cleanliness and so do not shower as frequently as they should. The good news is that this allergy ends once they start dating. The bad news is … Axe.
But worst of all, we parents are the agents of our own destruction. In an effort to stop the funk from spreading, we give our own sons the very weapon they can use to destroy our olfactory senses. We toss a tiny sample of Axe into a Christmas stocking or an Easter basket in hopes they will get the hint and use some of it. And when they do, we know the true horror of scented warfare.
Sadly, the use of Axe Body Spray is just a gateway to the really hard stuff. Oh, yes, we’re talking Axe shower gel. And deodorant. And shampoo + conditioner. Pretty soon, your 11- to 13-year-old son smells like a walking, talking, smart-mouthed advertisement for something that stinks to high heaven and is called “Apollo” or “Peace.”
Trust me when I say there is nothing peaceful about this.
And for a product whose intent is to attract others, Axe does an awful lot of repelling. If you have ever watched people flee a crowded elevator, chances are there’s a boy wearing Axe still standing in it, wondering why everyone was gagging for 14 floors.
And heaven help you if you mix the scents. That could very possibly end human life as we know it. Look, it has happened. You’ve seen it. If you’ve ever been in Target and noticed a green cloud floating ominously above the shower gel aisle, you know that in that aisle is a 12-year-old male trying out the various body spray options. And he’s mixing Apollo with Black Chill and Peace, and he isn’t shy about spraying that stuff everywhere.
Trust me. I’ve been evacuated. OK, maybe it wasn’t an official evacuation – but still. I’ve had to flee Target in terror for my life and the lives of those around me. Who knows what happens when the scents mix and settle on anyone walking near?
But the good news is, the use of Axe ends somewhere around high school. Oh, yes. Because that is when your son will discover Old Spice. And we all know where that leads.
