If you ever see Hollister officials out doing karaoke, don’t be
surprised if they start singing that 1997 rap song,
”
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.
”
If you ever see Hollister officials out doing karaoke, don’t be surprised if they start singing that 1997 rap song, “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.”
Just imagine a couple City Council members and a few City Hall workers rappin’ and dancin’ at Paine’s Restaurant on a Friday night.
All right, I’m a knucklehead.
Just four years ago, the city had accumulated a $15 million-strong reserve fund. Now the General Fund is down to $9 million, and it will likely be much less two years from now.
Rumors have it city officials have blown most of the money on extravagant rave parties throughout San Benito County. No, WATCHDOG members J.J. Vogel and Paul Grannis, I’m kidding. This is, however, a serious problem.
Alas, I stayed up all night Sunday drinking Cherry Coke and pondering innovative solutions.
Granted, I’m no financial whiz, but this isn’t about money. It’s about desperation, and I’m an expert on that.
So, today I will offer my free wisdom – because the city probably can’t afford my consulting fee – in the inaugural edition of Kollin’s Top 5 Money-Savers for City Government.
5. Sewer plant–water park: Why not make a profit on the upcoming construction of a new wastewater facility? Build a few slides, have bumper boats and a wave pool. People throughout the Central Coast will flock like ducks to Hollister’s “Waste-Water-World.” Just don’t tell them it’s real wastewater.
4. City-County action figures: Now that the city and county get along, why not have some fun with their long-standing historical animosity?
Kids would love bringing Councilman Tony LoBue into the bathtub for an action-packed bubble bath battle with a toy version of Supervisor Richard Scagliotti. By the way, it would also be a mini-version of LoBue.
3. Sponsorships galore: Just about everything else in the country is sponsored, so the city might as well solicit sponsors, too.
For instance, meetings are now broadcast on cable. At Council meetings, each official could wear a T-shirt with a company’s logo. Councilman Tony Bruscia would look great with “Tropicana” and the picture of a giant orange branded across his chest.
And for a few extra bucks, while a Council member is asking a question about road construction or the fire department, he could slip in quick advertising plugs.
Mayor Brian Conroy could say, “So, the way I see it, the city needs to finish its pavement management program by… By the way kids, remember to tell mommy, ‘Frosted Flakes: They’rrrrre Great!'”
That’s worth thousands right there. And maybe Hollister should consider the California Milk Processing Board’s request for San Juan to change Hollister’s name to “Got Milk.”
Just think – The Got Milk Independence Rally, the Got Milk Haybalers, the Got Milk Police Department.
2. Juggling department heads: The city’s seven department heads must juggle flaming objects at Council meetings to get approval for funding. This would correlate well with the aforementioned sponsorships and cable ratings.
If department heads choose not to juggle, they must swallow a sword. Lastly, under my plan, even if department heads succeed in their juggling or sword challenges, the Council can still reject the funding.
1. Sue Gilroy for rights to “Garlic Capital of the World:” Who do they think they are – stealing our motto? We’ll show them! The Got Milk Garlic Festival will be ours!
Kollin Kosmicki is a staff writer. His column appears every other Tuesday.
