Dear Santa:
I’m writing this letter for several reasons.
First and foremost, I moved to a new town and I want to make
sure you realize I have a new address. I wouldn’t want you
unknowingly giving my presents to some yahoo college student in
Chico who doesn’t deserve them as much as I do.
Secondly, I’ve been a very good girl this year.
Dear Santa:
I’m writing this letter for several reasons.
First and foremost, I moved to a new town and I want to make sure you realize I have a new address. I wouldn’t want you unknowingly giving my presents to some yahoo college student in Chico who doesn’t deserve them as much as I do.
Secondly, I’ve been a very good girl this year.
Not like last year, when my letter to you consisted of a long list of reasons why it wasn’t my fault that the tree was accidentally set on fire at Kelly’s Christmas party.
I could have sworn that round thing at the bottom of the tree was an ash tray, and hello, if it actually was a tree stand, isn’t there supposed to be water in it so the tree doesn’t die?
People are just so ignorant sometimes.
But you heard all these valid excuses last Christmas and you still brought me my presents, which is why I feel you should know that this year I deserve even more.
I finally got a job and stopped bumming money off my parents. As far as they’re concerned, that’s the best thing I’ve done in 23 years.
I think I should take this time to put in a good word for those two also.
They deserve something great for putting up with my antics for as long as they have. If you want to get them a new car or something cool like that, please feel free.
You may not feel comfortable getting them something so big and expensive – I know how you like your presents small enough to fit down a chimney.
But just go ahead and do it anyway and say it’s from me. That way it takes some of the heat of giving such a large, involved gift off of you and puts it on me instead. I’m sure you’re thinking, how can she be so magnanimous and thoughtful? Well, that’s just the kind of person I am.
The third reason I felt compelled to contact you is to ask for your help concerning something very near and dear to my heart.
We can get so wrapped up in what to get someone, how much it costs, how aesthetically pleasing the gift wrapping looks, and so many other purely materialistic components associated with the holidays.
The true meaning of Christmas, obviously, is love and family and all the other warm, fuzzy sentiments that most people forget about.
But more importantly, I need your help in disseminating this important holiday message to the countless people out there who for some reason still partake in the most heinous of holiday traditions known to man… or man’s stomach, to be precise.
Christmas is not, I repeat not, an excuse to send someone a fruitcake.
How a disgusting concoction of cake and fruit bits became a tradition, I have no idea, but we need to stop the fruitcake madness.
Santa, if from high atop your snowy perch in the North Pole, you see someone about to send another person a fruitcake, swoop down and help them to realize the huge mistake they’re about to make.
Before I let you get back to shining Rudolph’s nose, or whatever it is you do in your free time, let me remind you that while I do have a full-time job, unfortunately I am still poor.
So if you just can’t decide what to bring me, or if your sleigh is too laden with gifts for other good little girls and boys, a check would more than suffice.
Disregard any of the nasty rumors going around that money is a bad Christmas gift because it’s too impersonal – that’s a load of humbug as far as I’m concerned.
You can enclose the check in a pretty Christmas card, in a pretty red envelope, with four or five pretty zeros attached to whatever numeral you place in the pretty little box where the amount goes.
I’ll consider it to be very personal, I promise.
And one more thing before I forget: If you can manage it, would you mind dropping off a new tree stand at my friend Kelly’s house while you’re making the rounds?
Somebody used hers as an ash tray last year.
