You know, friends, it isn’t just any year that, in drawing to
its close, the sheer lunacy of it all makes us pause to reflect and
ask one another with heartfelt wonder,
”
What the
…?
”
You know, friends, it isn’t just any year that, in drawing to its close, the sheer lunacy of it all makes us pause to reflect and ask one another with heartfelt wonder, “What the …?”
Grinding to a shuddering halt, 2008 made us realize we were part of something so much bigger than ourselves. That’s right; it was the year we recognized that a “bailout” doesn’t always have to do with parachutes.
The year began in January as most years do. Our country was witnessing the show-down between Hillary Clinton and a new face to the political scene – Barack Obama. In a shocking upset, Obama won the Iowa caucus although he later conceded that Hillary owned cuter pantsuits.
Thus began the Clintons’ slippery descent downhill. In March, Hillary suffered “Sniper-gate” when astute journalists uncovered that Mrs. Clinton’s claim of dodging unfriendly sniper firestorms when landing in Bosnia was a gross exaggeration. Hillary admitted she “made a mistake” and that she’d meant to say she’d been assaulted by an uncooperative umbrella in a rainstorm.
Former President Clinton assumed prominence in his wife’s campaign when he ran amok like a crazed precinct captain. Seen trundling through country pastures in the back of a pickup, the former prez spoke to the herds until every last heifer pledged to vote for Hillary.
Obama, on the other hand, was blasted in campaign ads for talking differently to one part of the country than he did to another. To which John McCain responded, “Dang it, Barack, I’ll cling to my guns and religion if I want to!”
McCain revved up his campaign in August when he selected Alaska’s governor-soccer mom, Sarah Palin, to be his running mate. Political experts claimed McCain-Palin might have won the election, too, were it not for the fact that folks were fearful about Gov. Palin being one heartbeat away from the presidency. Meanwhile on Saturday Night Live Tina Fey, Palin’s alter ego, won the red states in a heartbeat.
So the starting field of 937 Republican presidential candidates and 4,780 Democrats finally dwindled to two: Barack Obama and John McCain who held riveting debates during which Joe the Plumber was elected to lead a new task force in charge of the government bailout program.
Speaking of bailouts, corporate heads of the “Big Three” automakers appeared before Congress after making the supreme sacrifice of not consuming snacks on their company jets. Congress, doing their part for the people who elected them, asked the corporate executives exhaustive and probing questions such as “Whatever happened to the Nash Rambler?”
Feeling overshadowed by the election, a tanking economy and skyrocketing gas prices, two of the nation’s governors grabbed their 15 minutes of fame when New York and Illinois “Governors-Gone-Wild” Spitzer and Blagojevich latched on to more televised press time than Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears combined.
Yes, March Madness took on a new spin as New York “Guv” Eliot Spitzer commenced a “personal matter” in the guise of a $4,000 per session call girl while Mrs. Spitzer appeared at the governor’s side, foregoing the preferred practice of burning her errant spouse’s wardrobe on the front lawn. Spitzer guaranteed the citizens of New York they’d be well served by his successor, David Paterson, who immediately called a press conference to confess he and Mrs. Paterson had engaged in some extra-marital affairs during a rough patch in their marriage.
In the “You-Can’t-Make-This-Stuff-Up” department, Illinois governor Rod “Potty Mouth” Blagojevich dropped the “F-bomb” approximately 14,637 times when FBI wiretaps revealed the governor placing an ad on Craigslist to sell the vacated senatorial seat left by Barack Obama. Meanwhile, “Blago” maintains his innocence in the matter.
In other good news, O.J. Simpson was handed a free ticket to the “Big House” when convicted of breaking and entering a Las Vegas hotel room to recover some of his “stolen stuff.” The jury foreman revealed they’d have convicted Simpson of littering if it meant getting this loser off the streets. But don’t quote me on that.
In December, due to an unfortunate language barrier mishap, a concerned Iraqi journalist, upon hearing that President Bush had no lasting legacy, mistakenly thought Mr. Bush had “no lower-leg wear” and attempted to correct this situation by heaving his own shoes onto the dais where the president was speaking.
So there you have it, friends: the high … er, lowlights of 2008. Let’s raise our glasses and toast a fond “good riddance” to last year and hope for a better ride in 2009. It sure couldn’t get much worse.
