It’s spring, and a high school senior’s fancy turns to … deciding on a college. You see, once teens apply and then endure the nail-biting wait for acceptance, the letters of admission start coming. And your college bound child will instantly forget what school he wanted most, which means you get to go on all those college tours again. Lucky you.
Of course, we all know that students pick their colleges based upon the quality of their educational experience, the availability of professors, the size of the classes. Oh, wait. No, that can’t be right. Today, students pick a college based on the amenities at the school. You know, like a fitness center. And a Starbucks that takes the student’s prepaid dining card. And a pool. And a hot tub.
This is very unnerving to me. I mean, these kids are supposed to be studying. They are supposed to be composing four-page essays on the life of somebody who died in the 19th century and who was famous for doing something 19th centuryish that involved a sword and possibly an Egyptian tomb. They don’t need no stinking pool and hot tub. Oh, and did I mention some schools have a beach volleyball court? Yes, seriously. They do.
But wait! There’s more! There is usually also a student center where students can borrow brooms and mops and vacuum cleaners to clean their suites. Yes, I said “clean.” And yes, I said “suites.”
OK, first of all, I know my son. Cleaning isn’t really his thing. In fact, he’s really, really good at making messes and really, really bad at cleaning them. Usually he needs some prompting and encouragement to clean things. Such prompting and encouragement, of course, usually takes the form of me screaming “CLEAN YOUR ROOM! THE FETID STENCH IS PERMEATING THE HOUSE!”
You know, because I’m so gentle and sweet like that. In my defense, I did take the time to encourage a broadening of his vocabulary through the use of the word “permeating” and possibly the word “fetid.” Really, his English professors can thank me later.
There’s also usually a laundromat on campus. Oh, and did I mention it’s free? Yeah. It is. Of course, by that I mean it’s free for the students. I’m quite positive it’s offset by the check Harry and I will write for housing each semester.
But still, that’s practically taking all the fun out of college Sundays. Those days you’d wake up around 3 p.m. and wonder why the heck your eyeballs wouldn’t open properly only to discover that you slept with your contact lenses in and now your eyelids were glued shut. And then you’d realize that you didn’t have any more clean underwear and you needed to wash clothes so you pack all your stuff into a garbage bag only to discover that you didn’t have any change.
And that was the big dilemma, folks. Did you rush around scouring your room for change or did you risk slightly smelly clothes for a week? Can you imagine? My child will never, ever have to make that sort of life-altering decision. I swear to you, today’s college students have it so easy. Their entire lives are catered to by adults who give them the gift of free laundry.
And if you think that’s a disservice to our young people, let me explain the “suites” to you. There are three bedrooms that are only shared with one other person. There is a living room. It has a bathroom. Some have a full kitchen. Seriously? Like my teenager has ever done any cooking that didn’t involve pressing the “add minute” button on the microwave? But the best part? Oh, not the free WiFi. No, the best part is the premium cable. HBO. Showtime. All a student has to provide is the flat screen.
And of course, dining commons are a thing of the past. No mystery-meat burgers on the plates of our future leaders. Heck, no. That prepaid dining card is used at campus steakhouses. And Starbucks. And sandwich shops. Some colleges even have off-campus, public restaurants that accept school dining cards.
I’m telling you, the amount of suffering that a poor college student has to go through has lessened considerably. Today, it’s all about the amenities. Oh, and maybe the new science wing. You know, the one near the beach volleyball court.
