Well it’s almost Independence Day. You know what that means
– barbecues, parties, fireworks and fun. But people, please.
Let’s be honest. Any celebration that includes fire as its main
ingredient has an excellent chance to end badly. So to help you
out, I’ve made this list of handy-dandy solutions to most of your
Independence Day problems.
Well it’s almost Independence Day. You know what that means – barbecues, parties, fireworks and fun. But people, please. Let’s be honest. Any celebration that includes fire as its main ingredient has an excellent chance to end badly. So to help you out, I’ve made this list of handy-dandy solutions to most of your Independence Day problems.
No. 1. Hot dogs are a traditional food. Yes, I know that hot dogs are disgusting – seriously. Is there a person on the planet who knows what they are really made of? I think not. But they are still a staple of barbecues throughout the country on Independence Day. If just the thought of ingesting a tube filled with – well, whatever it’s filled with – really grosses you out, substitute hamburgers, or even steak. Under no circumstances should you try fancier fare, like lobster tails. The neighbors will gossip about you and your snooty ways for weeks. Worse, they may try to borrow money.
No. 2. If you have a block party, at least one person will make an inedible, weird cake that is dyed red, white and blue. Usually, that person is me. When you try the cake, do not spit it out in front of me … er … the neighbor who made it. This is what napkins are for.
No. 3. If you forget to buy fireworks and have sobbing kids who are watching with envy as their friends rush through the neighborhood, trying desperately to catch each other on fire with sparklers, it’s really not a problem. Send the kids over to the mom with the fewest children. Have them tear up while they tell her how horrible it is to not have any sparklers on the one day of the year when every kid should have a sparkler or two and trust me, your kids will be setting their friends on fire in no time.
Do not, however, try this on the mom with the most children. She’s immune to tears and begging. She sees that 20 times a day. And that’s just from her husband.
No. 4. There’s always one guy on the street that forgets to buy fireworks and gets the brilliant idea to use his gun as a substitute. Um, dude? It’s not the same. And trust me when I say that after your neighbors have watched you have a few beers and then try to hit on the newly single hottie down the street while your seething wife watches, they’re all afraid that you are armed. Except your wife. She’s not afraid because she knows where you sleep. And when.
No. 5. Did you miss the Boston Pops? No worries. Once the fireworks start popping, the neighborhood canines will provide you with a lovely symphony of sound. Sure it’s a cacophony of barking, whining and howling, but honestly, have you heard the music blaring from teen cars these days? Yeah, I’ll take the dogs anytime. And I reserve judgment on the Pops.
No. 6. Don’t worry if you woke up late and missed the Fourth of July parade. At some point after dark, the fire engines from the parade will have another one. There will sirens blaring and engines racing and you just need to hope it’s not your roof that they are heading towards. I speak from experience when I say that everyone loves a parade – unless it’s your lawn that’s on fire.
No. 7. Did you miss the massive fireworks display put on by the city? Don’t fret. Somewhere in your neighborhood, a local rebel has gotten their hands on unsafe and insane fireworks. You can feel free to watch until the police catch him. All you have to do is hope that the fire truck parade isn’t along for the ride.
And of course, have a happy and safe Fourth of July – especially my nephew, Justin, who will celebrate once more on a Navy ship, so that we can all catch our lawns on fire and consume hot dogs in the name of freedom.
