Ah, the pleasures of comebacks
Many years ago my friend, Tom, worked as a waiter nights and
weekends to put himself through college.
One evening he waited on a man who seemed down on the whole
world. He complained about the crispness of the salad, the
temperature of the coffee and limited menu. Finally, he looked
sourly at Tom and sneered,
”
You don’t have to be very bright to be a waiter, do you?
”
Without hesitating, Tom said,
”
I’m sorry, sir, but if you want a job you’ll have to speak to
the manager.
”
Ah, the pleasures of comebacks
Many years ago my friend, Tom, worked as a waiter nights and weekends to put himself through college.
One evening he waited on a man who seemed down on the whole world. He complained about the crispness of the salad, the temperature of the coffee and limited menu. Finally, he looked sourly at Tom and sneered, “You don’t have to be very bright to be a waiter, do you?” Without hesitating, Tom said, “I’m sorry, sir, but if you want a job you’ll have to speak to the manager.”
That type of reply is called a squelch. The best are delivered by the intended targets of self-appointed wits who seek to amuse themselves at the expense of others. A good squelch should be spontaneous, not thought out ahead and saved for the right occasion.
We all admired a good squelch and would fire them off ourselves if we were quick enough. Rather than just responding with, “Oh yeah? or “Look who’s talking,” we would smile debonairly, deliver the squelch and leave the loudmouth floundering while our friends gasped in wonder.
It is no good to think later of what one might have said then. The French have a term — “esprit d’escalier” — that translates to “wit of the staircase,” the perfect response that occurs too late as we are leaving.
Among my classmates as a youngster were a boy named Frank and a girl named Helen. Each was pleasant except when in the other’s company. Then they became the proverbial dog and cat.
It did not change when we entered high school. Then one day, Frank bethought himself of the situation and resolved to get along with her. She wore a new dress to school soon afterwards and Frank remarked, “You look very nice today, Helen.” She immediately responded, “Too bad I can’t say the same about you.” Frank shrugged and gave it up. “You could if you lied as easily as I do.”
My favorite squelches come from the pages of history. The Duke of Wellington was representing England at the Congress of Vienna when the map of Europe was being redrawn after Wellington’s defeat of Napoleon. Several of his former enemies in the field turned their backs to him as he approached. A diplomat started to apologize for them but Wellington said, “I have seen their backs before.”
Later in that century Benjamin Disraeli was making a speech in Parliament when a political opponent jeered, “Listen to the Jew lecture us.” Disraeli countered, “Yes, I am a Jew and when my colleague’s ancestors were brutish beasts on an unknown island, mine were priests in the Temple of Solomon.”
My favorite concerns actor who thought to win acclaim by attacking Samuel Johnson, the foremost English wit of the mid-18th Century. “Tell me, sir,” he said, “do you suppose you’ll die of the pox or on the gallows?”
Johnson hardly blinked. “That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your mistress or your morals.”
