I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve just learned some very
disturbing news: snakes are on the loose. There I was peacefully
reading the paper, not once thinking,
”
Gee, I wonder what all the snakes in the world are up to
today.
”
But suddenly there it was, a big headline reading
”
Rattlesnakes Taking Over the Planet.
”
Or something like that.
I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve just learned some very disturbing news: snakes are on the loose. There I was peacefully reading the paper, not once thinking, “Gee, I wonder what all the snakes in the world are up to today.” But suddenly there it was, a big headline reading “Rattlesnakes Taking Over the Planet.” Or something like that.
This shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone. I mean, snakes come out of their holes about this time every year. But, until today, I had managed to conveniently block this bit of knowledge out of my mind.
Oh, it’s not that I have anything personal against snakes. I’m sure they’re very useful for a lot of things like, say, controlling garden pests and guarding ancient tombs. But, you see, my year is divided into two distinct seasons: Spider and Snake. Both equally heinous and terrifying. But right now I’m more concerned with the latter since Memorial Day was the annual kick off of Snake Season, which lasts through the summer and into fall.
No one knows for sure why snakes choose this holiday to emerge. Some scientific types might say it has something to do with the warm weather. More spiritual types may say it has to do with tidal charts and moon positions. I blame the barbecues. My theory is that the smell of grilling meat causes all the snakes in the world to wake up and go in search of hot dogs and beer.
One of the big problems about snakes is you can’t avoid them because they are sneaky. I mean, you never, ever, see one come bounding up the pathway, drooling and holding the newspaper between its teeth. They prefer to lurk in bushes or underneath rocks and then to magically appear out of nowhere. Face it, your day could be going along completely snake-free and then suddenly Whamo! A SNAKE IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!
The other problem is that there tons of other things in this world that look just like snakes from a distance especially when you’re not wearing your contacts. Take for example twigs, the garden hose, long rubber bands, spaghetti, the letter S. In fact the other day I was overtaken in the back yard by a particularly snake-like jump rope.
Oh, I’ve tried to cure my fear. I’ve read nature books on how helpful snakes are. I’ve watched the “Jungle Book” movie eighteen bazillion times and I know more about the secret life of snakes than, well, snakes.
And, you know, all that stuff works, sort of. For a while, I start to believe that snakes are really my friends, much the same way as I believe that Elvis really was spotted in the linen aisle of a Wal-Mart store and that over-price thigh cream will get rid of cellulite.
However, as soon as I read something like this in the paper, I’m right back where I started.
On some level, I know that my fear is irrational and that snakes are useful creatures, and the chance of actually being attacked by one while driving the carpool to the soccer team pizza party, is iffy at best.
So that’s why I’ve decided that there’s only thing to do: face my fear and overcome it. This snake season I’m going to look the garden hose straight in the eye and stop evaluating every piece of rope on the ground.
After all, there’s plenty of room on this planet for myself and, say, one snake. Maybe two.
But only if they’re small.
