The Father’s Day Conspiracy Uncovered

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It’s easy to tell when Father’s Day is about to arrive, as the
advertising circulars featuring great deals on power tools dominate
the newspaper.
It’s easy to tell when Father’s Day is about to arrive, as the advertising circulars featuring great deals on power tools dominate the newspaper.

“Get dad that circular saw he’s always wanted.”

“Don’t forget dad; buy him a lawnmower.”

“Our best deal of the year on power washers for dad.”

With all the work-related gift ideas, we might as well change Father’s Day to “Chores Reminder Day.”

Speaking for fellow dads, we know we need to fix that broken fence board in the back yard. And yes, it would be nice if we could blast away the peeling paint on the side of the house and put on a fresh coat of prime latex. But must every gift be related to a task about which we’ve procrastinated?

We do love our tools – particularly if they have a motor and make really loud sounds – but we also like to not be reminded of the fix-it projects we’ve promised to do since last Father’s Day.

I was reminded more than once that irons and anything related to cooking or cleaning are not the best gifts on Mother’s Day, as they remind the women in our lives that we lazy men expect too much out of them.

Men like owning tools because we never know when we might need them, but we also hardly ever really do need them, and they just take up space.

That 50-piece ratchet set? Good idea, but I honestly don’t believe I have anything to ratchet. Still, I take comfort in knowing that it’s tucked away in a laundry room cabinet, ready if I ever come calling.

A power saw is a must-have for many men. Anything that cuts stuff and has the word “power” as part of its name can mean nothing but good times. Plus, there’s the element of danger associated with using a power saw that makes it appealing.

“I could lose my finger or get a wood chip lodged in my eye while using this bad boy. Cool!”

The aforementioned power washer uses the magic “P word” in its name in a brilliant marketing tactic. If you buy the super-deluxe model, you need to be careful not to knock your house down. We men like that potential.

A Sears ad I saw yesterday featured Die Hard brand work boots. We want our footwear to sound tough and be named after a long-lasting car battery. It also offered colognes called Mustang and Unforgivable. That’s man scent, baby.

All work benches are on sale this weekend, as are socket racks, bit sets and 2 million candlepower spotlights (perfect for sending signals to orbiting astronauts.)

There are also the requisite three-burner gas grills and powerful lawn tractors. Except for the $4,000 HD television and a home theater system, nearly everything women are supposed to buy for men require us to do work.

The Home Depot circular offers “16 great ways to make dad’s day.” They include an 18-volt cordless scrubber so we can wash the car, a 3.6-amp hedge trimmer so we can make our yard look presentable again after ignoring it during football season, and a home improvement book so we can stop pretending we know how to rewire the kitchen.

None of those gifts would make my day. I would appreciate them, for sure, but I’m starting to believe that women are conspiring with (or maybe controlling) Father’s Day advertising as a covert way of making men do stuff that we’ve been putting off for months.

For my gift, I want something that will make my life easier, not involve ratcheting or mowing, and be a symbol of just how important and valued I am as a father.

Something that will make me smell like a mustang, perhaps.

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