Now I’m not one to pursue conspiracy theories, but I think
Morgan Hill, Gilroy and Hollister are in the crosshairs of
terrorists while the Bush administration is sitting idly by without
a care. What is my proof? I’ll tell you what my proof is. I have
irrefutable evidence that there are weapons of mass destruction
that are targeting these three communities and are tucked away in
bunkers in San Juan Bautista.
Now I’m not one to pursue conspiracy theories, but I think Morgan Hill, Gilroy and Hollister are in the crosshairs of terrorists while the Bush administration is sitting idly by without a care. What is my proof? I’ll tell you what my proof is. I have irrefutable evidence that there are weapons of mass destruction that are targeting these three communities and are tucked away in bunkers in San Juan Bautista.
Or maybe San Martin. The intelligence is a little sketchy.
But trust me.
Last week the New York Times – you know, that newspaper that is disclosing all our national secrets (or is it abuses of power?) – reported that there exists something called the National Asset Database, or NAD for short. Personally I prefer to reverse the letters and call it DAN – it’s easier for this administration to say.
DAN comprises names and locations of suspected U.S. targets the bad guys want to blow up. Eric Lipton of The Times got his hands on DAN, so to speak, and provided us with a glimpse into the cavernous minds at the Department of Homeland Security. At risk for terrorist attacks are:
– The Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo in Woodville, Ala.
– The Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn.
– The Apple and Pork Festival in Clinton, Ill.
– Nix’s Check Cashing
– The Sweetwater Flea Market …
– … and my personal favorite, “Beach at End of a Street.”
Notice what’s not on the list? Yup, the Mushroom Mardi Gras, Gilroy Garlic Festival and the Independence Day biker rally, although from the hoards of blue uniforms on San Benito Street this year, Hollister may have made the list. Congratulations.
Now, a more cynical fellow than I might wonder what moron is spending our tax money on compiling a target list that includes flea markets. Of course, I suppose I’ve already answered that question.
“Seems like someone has gone overboard,” Larry Buss told The Times. Larry helps organize the Apple and Pork Fesitval in Illinois. ‘Their time could be spent better doing other things, like providing security for the country.”
Whoa now Larry, those are some mighty spicy road apples you’re flingin’ at the administration. For all you know, Osama bin Laden is sitting in La-Z-Boy in a village in Pakistan (I think Pakistan is supposed to be our ally, but the intelligence is a little sketchy) plotting to set off a pork bomb in Clinton, Ill. Oh the horror of all those chicharones raining down on those poor farmers. Then they would REALLY think they were being overrun by Mexicans.
What’s more likely to be targeted is the Mushroom Mardi Gras. I mean, what better represents Western excess than mushrooms? There is next to no nutritional value. All they are good for is sauteing in butter and wine. With some coarsely chopped cloves of garlic, of course.
Could you imagine if Osama got a bomb into Gourmet Alley when they fire up the garlic fettuccini? I had a roommate in college who passed out while cooking pasta, of course taking the pasta with him to the floor. Believe me, it’s not a sight I’d ever want to see again.
Mushrooms and garlic and biker beer. Oh the decadence. Oh the coincidence.
What symbol of American surfeit is more infuriating to fundamentalist religious zealots than mushrooms and garlic? (the Budweiser only infuriates the Germans).
And just so you don’t snap a garter belt, I’m talking about the bearded fundamentalist zealots from the Middle East that want to control us, not the pasty ones from Kansas that want to control us.
Just because all three communities told Bush to take a hike in both 2000 and 2004, doesn’t mean we should be punished by exclusion from DAN’s party list. Of course, I have no proof Bush left us off DAN, but if he did, he owes us an apology.
Or maybe a neck rub (Bush’s neck rubs only infuriate the Germans).
Dennis Taylor is the city editor of The Pinnacle. He received an award for editorial writing from the California Newspaper Publisher’s Association’s 2005 “Better Newspapers” contest. You can reach him at dt*****@pi**********.com.
