It’s that time of year again. The time when no matter what holiday you celebrate, families get together. We share a meal. We share time together. And generally this ends well with everyone radiating love and a full stomach when the celebration is over.
Or not.
Sometimes the only thing radiating is the residual anger issues between you and your sister over the time she gave your brand new Barbie doll a buzz cut. But maybe that’s just me.
In any event, over the years I have learned to subdue that urge to give my sister a buzz cut over the holidays and, of course, that means I have words of wisdom to pass on to residents of the South Valley.
Stay in a hotel. Yes, this is my No. 1 tip. This is the biggie. Look, there are so many relatives and so few bathrooms. And trust me, you cannot unsee some things, like Great Aunt Martha coming out of the shower without wearing a towel. Or your cousin’s toddler who has taken pooing in the bathtub to an art form. Stay in a hotel. Trust me.
Do not engage with Uncle Fred, the guy who has completely opposite political views. Look, we all have an Uncle Fred. He’s the guy who comes in the house, greets everyone, finds the remote and puts it on some news channel that nobody else in the family watches. And he does this while football is on. In my family, we call Uncle Fred “Dad.” But don’t engage. Family time is not Obamacare discussion time. Nothing ruins a perfectly cooked ham like you and Uncle Fred getting into an argument about the state of the economy or whether or not downtown Gilroy is getting better. And it doesn’t hurt to call the cable company and turn off the news channels.
Help with dinner, even if you can’t cook. Look, do you think you are the first non-chef at a holiday dinner? No, there are many of us who attend family dinners for the simple reason that we get a home-cooked meal (and if we behave, possibly some leftovers to take home). Anyway, I don’t know about you, but there was a time when people actually told me to get out of the kitchen before it burned down (and yes, now that you ask, that time was yesterday). So pour the wine, cider, water, whatever. And you can clear the table, as long as you aren’t 5 years old and using the family china from three generations ago as makeshift Frisbees.
Bring something to share. Again, we are not talking about your political views here. We are talking bread. Wine. Cheese. Just something to share that doesn’t start an argument. Unless your family is like mine. We can argue over anything. I remember the Great Cheese Plate War of 2008 when my father and sister debated the Roquefort for hours. And here’s the real problem. We are not cheese people. I was frankly shocked that Roquefort was a cheese. I thought it was some French guy who helped out in the Revolutionary War.
Sit at the kid table whenever possible. The kid table is the happening place at a family get-together. They have crayons, for Pete’s sake. They can draw on the tablecloth without anyone yelling at them. They don’t even have to eat Grandma Maisy’s Mystery Jell-O that has stuff floating in it that may or may not be shrimp mixed with olives. It’s awesome (sitting at the kid table, not Grandma Maisy’s Mystery Jell-O). Also, they are allowed to burp after eating—in fact this is encouraged. Seriously, what’s not to like?
That should get you through at least one or two family dinners. Unless your sister brings a Barbie doll and scissors to dinner. Then all bets are off.
