Spring has arrived and with it, grilling season. Sadly for my family, our grill suffered a breakdown and had to be destroyed, which meant we had to buy a new grill. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been grill shopping with a guy, but apparently there are many rules to buying a grill.
These rules cannot be violated. They have been handed down from father to son since the beginning of time when a cavewoman first discovered fire and said to the caveman, “Ugg, you cook the mastodon outside. The smoke is messing up my freshly painted cave drawings in the living room.”
And thus the art of grilling was born. Along with all the rules for buying a grill, of course.
No. 1: Research, research, research. You cannot go out and just buy a grill. No, instead, if you are my husband, you must spend countless months combing the Internet for the perfect grill. You must learn to filter out the bad reviews. You must learn to interpret the good reviews. And you must never just run down to Lowe’s and buy whatever is on sale. Or at least that’s what I was told.
No. 2: Size counts. A woman will choose a grill that conforms to two things: the size of her patio and the size of her family. Thus, if a woman has a small family, patio or both, she will get a grill that allows for burger grilling for them, plus a bit more room for vegetables and/or a guest of two. A man, on the other hand, reverts quickly to his caveman forbearers. He doesn’t care if the grill is the size of a 747 and has to be lifted by crane to get into the backyard. He needs a grill large enough for a mastodon. And its mastodon buddy that he will grill so he has leftovers.
No. 3: Accessories matter. Much like women coordinating their shoes to match their outfit, men like accessories for their grills. Huge mitts that are heat proof to a billion degrees? Check. Black aprons that proclaim them to be Master of the Grill? Absolutely. Fancy temperature doohickey that talks to his iPad to tell him when the steak is done? Um, yes. Branding iron with his initials on it so he can label every steak he burns as his and his alone? Oh, heck yeah. These are the male equivalent of monogrammed towels. Also? The perfect Father’s Day gift according to my dad.
No. 4: The more options you have, the better. Much like a city dude who buys a fancy pickup with a large winch on the front, when it comes to grills you need one that is fully loaded with junk you may never use – like a rotisserie. Even though everyone knows the best way to cook a chicken is with a can of beer, many men need to have a sharp, pokey thing that cooks a bird. Also? All grills must have cup holders for beer. Yes, I realize that open flames and alcohol are usually not the best combination, but apparently cup holders matter. I’m pretty sure if a man could find a grill with a recliner and a big screen attached, he’d live in the backyard forever. Hmm. That’s a better Father’s Day gift, if you ask me.
No. 5: The shinier the better. Men are usually afraid of anything that sparkles, but in the case of a grill, the more stainless steel you have the better. Oh, they say it’s because they can tell if it’s clean, but really it’s because if you have a large, sparkly grill in the backyard, all the other men in the neighborhood know it because it blinds them when the sun reflects off of it.
No. 6: BTUs count. Apparently, in man grill-land you are judged by the size of your flame. I’m just saying.
As for us, we have a new grill. I’m sure it will be blinding the neighbors in no time.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. You can contact her at La****@la**********.com.
