Lately, I have spent an inordinate amount of time on Facebook, taking quizzes to discover what Disney princess I am. For what it’s worth, I am Pocahontas, which honestly is a bit disappointing because I don’t like the wilderness. Or trees. Or little critters that may or may not talk to me.
But Pocahontas aside, you can discover a lot about yourself from the quizzes on Facebook. OK, I lie. Probably you can discover nothing. And probably the only reason I am taking these quizzes is because … well, actually I don’t know why. But I do know I have taken a lot of them. Possibly thousands. Or even millions. For Pete’s sake, they are in my newsfeed. It’s Facebook law that I have to take each and every one of them, right?
And anyway, I do this for you. Yes, I have wasted hours of my precious time just so you, the citizens of the South Valley, do not have to waste their time trying to see if they are the red-haired princess from “Brave.” What can I say? I’m a giver. And now, I give you the results of my tireless research and sacrifice.
• Only 47 percent of my screws are loose.
Yeah, I was surprised too. Apparently I really am balanced between sane and insane, despite what my mother has always said. And now that I’ve been tested, it’s official, right?
• I would not be good at saving the world.
Despite my heroine status as Pocahontas and my stellar results of only 47 percent of loose screws, I fail at saving the world. In fact, on a scale of one to a billion, I am a one. Turns out I am that person who, when the sky is truly falling in, I scream, flail my arms a bit and then get hit with an asteroid.
• I would survive the Titanic, but barely—because I am annoying.
Which means you don’t want me in your lifeboat. Or maybe you do, because I’m the one guaranteed to tick everyone else in the lifeboat off, so when it’s too heavy you can just throw me out and not feel guilty.
• I am not as well read as Lisa Simpson.
Yes, a cartoon character has a more intellectual reading list than I do. Stop judging. Is it really my fault she likes Jane Austen better than the Shopaholic series? I think not.
• My personality type is Ambivert.
Yeah, I don’t know what that is either, but I’m rocking it.
• I would not pass a sixth grade math quiz.
Stop judging me. Do you know what an equilateral triangle is? Wait, don’t answer that. I get the feeling I’m the only person on earth who went to the sixth grade and does not know that.
• I am Cindy Lou Who.
OK, slightly better than the Pocahontas result.
• My IKEA spirit name is Kottbullar.
I’m a spicy meatball. Finally, an accurate quiz.
So there you have it, my sacrifice for you for the year. And now I’m off to retake some quizzes and see if I can finally be Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty or anyone other than a crazy lady who thinks her grandma is a tree.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. You can contact her at [email protected].
