After setting a record 10 replays in a half hour of the
Milwaukee Brewers racing Italian sausage mascot getting knocked
down to the ground with a bat by Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon, a
CNN reporter finally fessed up with the truth on Friday.
After setting a record 10 replays in a half hour of the Milwaukee Brewers racing Italian sausage mascot getting knocked down to the ground with a bat by Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon, a CNN reporter finally fessed up with the truth on Friday.
“We just can’t resist this story,” he said with a laugh.
No, the television media has had some serious fun with last Wednesday’s incident, where Simon, who was on the PIrates’ bench at the time, swung his bat behind the head of Brewers sausage racer Mandy Block, causing Block to fall down along with the hot dog who was racing close by.
Reporters can’t keep a straight face with this one. It’s a hoot. They never sau-sage a thing.
Well, while investigators are still trying to get to the meat of the matter, I’ll offer up some theories of my own.
1) Simon had $100 bet on the Bratwurst to win.
2) He was experimenting with a future video game for EA Sports: Sausage Bowling
3) He was reverting to the old children’s game – “Simon says”. Simon says take this bat upside your head, sausage!
4) Simon, who has been in a slump lately, was just working on his swing.
5) He was holding his own Block party by knocking Mandy’s Block off.
Thankfully, the injuries incurred by Block and fellow club-ee Veronica Piech were a couple of scraped knees. The two don’t plan to sue, but don’t you know they’re hearing from every ambulance chaser in Milwaukee.
“You could strike it rich, girls. This is a professional ballplayer we’re talking about. You could shed that mascot garb for life and become a human being, not just a piece of meat.”
Simon, who is giving Block his weapon and a very, very sincere apology, was fined $432 (a nice round figure?) by the local courts for misdemeanor battery. It took them awhile to research the crime of cruelty to a sausage. Major League Baseball was a little more stern, fining Simon $2,000 and suspending him for three games. Simon chose not to appeal the ruling. Being caught on video, he had no defense.
Of course, he’ll have to live with this the rest of his life. Simon will be haunted by this one constant dream as long as he lives. He’ll have nightmares of thousands of mascots hitting him with rubber bats while he’s rounding the bases on a home run. He’ll see himself falling to the turf time after time after time, never reaching home plate.
Simon says? Your mama!
Call it The Revenge of the Mascots! In fact, the Pittsburgh Pirates mascot, who can be seen in the newly-released movie, “Pirates of the Carribean” at a theater near you, has already called Block and said he’ll turn his back to home plate every time Simon comes up. He’s even offered to slice Simon up, well, like a sausage with hits sword.
Mascots stick together like no other clan. They’ve been abused for too long and are not going to take it anymore. And that goes for all those Disney characters who dress up at Disneyland and can’t defend themselves against bullying patrons because they have no arms.
Just think if Simon would have given Block a fractured skull. What would that have been? A six-game suspension and $5,000? Oh, well. Here’s hoping Simon learned his lesson. Take aim at baseballs only, Simon.
As for the sausage, may she forever run or run the risk of being like The Great Sausage Caper story itself.
Over done.
