There is nothing like the holiday season to bring out treasured
family traditions. For some it’s preparing special holiday dishes.
Perhaps the baking of cookies is what you look forward to fondly.
One of my favorite holiday traditions is decorating the house.
There is nothing like the holiday season to bring out treasured family traditions. For some it’s preparing special holiday dishes. Perhaps the baking of cookies is what you look forward to fondly. One of my favorite holiday traditions is decorating the house. Mind you, I’m not talking about a sprig of holly or two. Oh, no. When I say “decorating” I’m talking Martha Stewart here. As in Martha Stewart on crack.
But that’s just me. No matter your family tradition, we all find the holiday season more festive when those spontaneous moments of joy are captured on film. Forever. Yes, let’s pull out the old photo album, shall we? Look – there’s Uncle Murray with his head stuck in the punchbowl. And Aunt Louise when her hairnet caught fire as she leaned in to light the Sterno in the chafing dish. Remember that? Hmmm … and who can forget this doozy? It’s your personal favorite: the photo Junior took of you toting the turkey into the dining room with your skirt caught in the waistband of your pantyhose.
That’s right; if it’s a moment you’d prefer to never think of again, you can bet your bottom dollar that your mortification will live on forever in a family holiday photograph that someone has stashed away somewhere. Just forget ever working on the Barack Obama team – even if that Photo Hall of Shame winner is stashed away deep in the nether regions of your closet, you can bet that sucker’s going to resurface someday on the Internet.
Now if you think taking random photos during the holiday feast isn’t crazy enough, imagine families traipsing en masse outdoors for a holiday portrait, perhaps throwing a dog or two into the mix. Weather permitting, the group portrait may be shot in an “environmental” style with the family draped festively among the bushes. Of course this milieu is totally natural; like your cousin Myrtle always gets dolled up in pearls and spike heels to hang out in the shrubbery.
But most traditional are scenes at the dinner table depicting a tableau of happy family members about to enjoy their holiday feast. Babies are dressed in their holiday best and Grandpa Harvey, dispatched from the retirement home, is seated in a place of honor at the table.
So if you’ve been selected as this year’s designated family member-photographer, your job is to group everyone attractively together at the table. This is easier said than done because the three uncles are knotted together in a heated argument over last Sunday’s football game and are now close to blows because two of the uncles assert the ref was a moron, which is in violent opposition to what the third uncle witnessed with his own eyes, dadgummit! When you’ve finally pried them apart and herded them into the same proximity as their respective spouses, the aunts are doing an intervention on Grandma, attempting to forcibly take away her car keys.
In her own defense, Grandma is hollering at her doltish daughters in that special ear-piercing screech reserved just for the hard of hearing that her recent driving performance was flawless – despite the fact that the windshield wipers were unaccountably whacking back and forth the entire trip and there wasn’t a drop of rain in sight. Not to mention the unfortunate fact that Grandma demanded Aunt Ethel announce the status of each stoplight upon approach because Grandma’s cataracts have reached critical mass and she can’t see a blasted thing.
Meanwhile, Grandma maintains a death grip on her car keys, oblivious to the fact that she has left her voluminous purse sitting open beneath her chair. Eight-year-old Eddie, never one to miss some fun, has climbed under Grandma’s chair, stretched her purse open wide and stuffed his snub-nosed little face deep inside and is setting off echoes worthy of Grand Canyon proportions by shouting at the top of his lungs, “Fire in the hole!!!”
This din awakens Great Uncle Herb who’d been dozing peacefully in his chair, causing his sleepy brain to revert to long-ago military drills. His resulting flashback induces a roar to the crowd at large, “INCOMING FIRE! Everyone DOWN and TAKE COVER, troops!!”
All of this yelling frightens the baby who sets off on a howling jag followed by hiccups, which are quickly replaced by a productive spitting up of formula, ruining the fancy holiday rompers and oh, well, hopefully some creative photo cropping will hide the stain.
So if someone suggests this holiday season would be the perfect time for you to photograph the family all gathered ’round the table in a perfectly Norman Rockwell-ish sort of way while Dad carves the holiday ham and Mom looks on lovingly, just acquiesce gracefully and declare, “I think this year we should order pizza.”
