It’s the New Year and we all know what that means—resolutions. I hate resolutions. I really do. I mean, what was so wrong with me last year that this year I have to remake myself? Seriously? Was I so awful? Wait. You probably shouldn’t answer that. Let’s just move on to my 2015 New Year’s Resolutions that I may actually keep:
1. I shall not complain that the toilet seat is not lowered after use.
I live in a house with males. And frankly, after spending two decades screaming that the dang toilet seats need to be put down so I don’t fall in cold water in the middle of the night … I’ve given up. Also my butt has gotten so big that the danger of falling in has become quite minimal. So there’s that.
2. I shall not complain that the toilet LID is not closed after flushing.
I know this is weird, but I cannot stand open toilet lids. I will not explain why to everyone in the South Valley because truthfully, it’s too gross for a family newspaper. But this year, instead of complaining loudly to the other people in my house who don’t listen to me at all, I will just make periodic lid checks and close them myself. Which is totally accomplishable, since I’ve been doing that for years.
3. I will go to the gym.
Or maybe I’ll just do a quick drive by and wave. Yes, that sounds like something I can actually do. Hello gym! Goodbye gym!
4. I will think before pressing “like” on Facebook.
Seriously, this will avoid last year’s awkward “likes” which included, but were not limited to, pressing like when a friend’s cat passed away; pressing like when a friend died her hair purple and looked like Barney; and pressing like on some cartoon-looking thing that got me caught up in a stupid game where I crushed a million candies but still ended up losing all my lives and which took up hours of my valuable time that clearly would have been better spent driving past the gym.
5. I will eat more chocolate.
Let’s be honest here. This is a no brainer. I mean, how can I fail to eat more chocolate?
6. I will not waste money on frivolous stuff.
Like a gym membership.
7. I will eat only healthy foods.
I will do this as soon as I clean the pantry out. I don’t want to waste money, you know. So I have to eat all the cookies and potato chips that are already in there before buying healthy stuff like kale. Or whatever foods are healthy this year. Anyway judging by the looks of the pantry, that’s not an issue. There’s at least a 1-year supply of peanut butter cookies in there.
8. On weekends, I will get out of my pajamas before 10 a.m. Or 11 a.m. OK, noon.
I like my pajamas. They love me. They are soft and comfortable and they don’t care if I dribble breakfast chocolate on them. It’s very difficult to leave them behind and get into actual clothes. Also? They have elastic waistbands, which is very handy when you eat a lot of chocolate and only do a drive-by for the gym.
