Letter: Still laughing at Measure J advertisement

I am still laughing over that hideously bad No on J ad that recently made the local TV circuit. It is difficult for me to describe it to you because I can barely type…I am still cracking up. Okay, here goes. I’ve written it out in film screenplay style. My “asides” are in brackets.
A man and the wife are sitting in their stucco hell kitchen sipping their morning instant coffee and poring over their local newspaper – oh my goodness! It’s The Freelance! – [this really is difficult for me, I am still falling out of my desk chair laughing].
Man:  (He looks something like a moron) So how are we voting on Measure J?
The Wife:  (She looks like she is on the verge of excoriating the local PTA) I don’t think so, it goes too far.  [Yeah, it goes really far when one thinks maybe we should not poison our water supply.]
Man:  Oh yeah?  [Brilliant!]
The Wife:  Yeah, They say it’s about fracking, but there is no fracking happening even though we have been fracking for fifty years but we don’t intend to frack here and they are big fat liars anyway. [That’s packing in the info! Good writing!]
Man: Ahhhhhh sooooo… I see (scratches a non-existent beard), and so THAT’S why the Hollister Freelance says it’s deceptive. [Right. Even though the Freelance recently said that their May editorial got it wrong….]
The Wife: It would ban virtually ALL energy production in San Benito. [Really? Even though all 26 of the conventional oil wells in the county would continue to pump when it passes??]
Man:  That would mean the loss of HUNDREDS of jobs. [Don’t you mean THREE jobs, according to your insane calculus? And actually don’t you mean it would ADD HUNDREDS of jobs since the county will be preserving its underground aquifers for vineyards and ranches and row crops and orchards? Oh heck. I’m babbling at a brick wall.]
The Wife:  And the loss of MILLIONS that would otherwise go to our schools and public safety? Okay, maybe she means millions of pennies, but even then it is so wacko – how does one respond to that? The county only charges oil companies approximately $800 per well, which is supposed to go into a clean-up fund in case they have a toxic oil or chemical spill. It does NOT go to schools or cop salaries! This is so rich, you know they had to work hard to come up with that one.]
Pan camera quickly to flat screen television on wall showing black-garbed terrorists and the caption “Isis.”  [I’m not making this up. Seriously.]
Man:  Not a good idea in these times.  Like I said, we’re voting NO on J. [I guess that is a stab at humor, dumb meat-head guy getting all this finely-tuned disinformation from the wife and then pretending it was all his idea. Yuk yuk.]
Good Lord, that was bad. Desperately bad. You know, like when you see an old movie that isn’t even a B movie, it’s more like a D movie, and it is so bad it’s good. I remember my brother telling me about it when it came out last week, his eyes glazed over…I could see tiny stars orbiting his head like he was in a daze.
The flash pan to the Isis connection was truly inspired. Yee-Haw!
I think we all know that the millions (and I don’t mean pennies) that Big Oil is spending in this county to stop our quest to preserve our water is unprecedented. Big Oil went way too far this time…over a cliff. But I do hope they continue to throw us these unintentionally hilarious skits up until Nov. 4. Maybe the next one will compare the contagion of democracy spread by these “outside agitators” throughout our county with contagious ebola. We all need a good laugh at this point. But in spite of my gratitude for the comic relief, I will be voting YES on J. Contaminated water really isn’t that funny.
Kate Woods, New Idria