Hello, it’s me, Kirby the dog. Every year the human female allows me to write her holiday column. Well, I’m telling you, I’m fed up with this. I mean, I sit and type – without opposable thumbs, mind you – and all I get is a piece of dried-out sweet potato for my effort.
This year she wanted me to make New Year’s Resolutions. Oh, please. Like I have anything I want to change. No-No Lulu, on the other hand – well, that dog is just a hot mess. So I made a list of her resolutions. And trust me, I only went to number 15. I probably could have written 100. Or more. So here they are, No-No Lulu’s New Year’s Resolutions. I just wish she could read them.
No. 1. I will not run down the stairs at full speed and launch myself at the front door, while barking at a feverish pitch every time I think I hear the UPS truck.
No. 2. I will not drag every package that comes to the house into the living room and try to chew them open.
No. 3. I will not stand at the back door, scratch it, whine and then look at my humans like they are crazy when they try to make me go outside.
No. 4. I will not chase the dog named “Shadow” that lives in the backyard.
No. 5. When I come in the house after playing in the mud, I will stand like a good girl and let the humans wipe off my paws, instead of running through the kitchen, down the hallway and rolling on the white duvet on the guest room bed.
No. 6. I will not steal French fries. OK, fine. I will not steal all of them.
No. 7. I will not try to eat the water every time the female human waters the plants.
No. 8. I will not bark at the dog named “Mirror” and try to bite her even though she is clearly evil and just stands around the closet waiting for me to come around the corner so she can attack.
No. 9. I will not eat all the carrots from the garden.
No. 10. I will not run and hide when I hear the word “bath.”
No. 11. I will not freak out every time the doorbell rings and run up and down the stairs announcing that a monster wants to come in and visit.
No. 12. I will not stand at the boy’s door and bark and whine until he wakes up at 6 a.m. and lets me in bed with him.
No. 13. I will understand that shoes are for wearing, not eating.
No. 14. I will not sit on the remote and try to change the channel to Dog TV every chance I get.
No. 15. I will not try to get into the driver’s seat whenever we go for a ride, even though I know I could be a better driver, if I could just reach the pedals.
Happy New Year to all the humans and the canines – even No-No Lulu. Oh, fine. Happy New Year to the cats, too.
