smokeless, and then some
The FedEx package that arrived Monday contained a promising
bulge.
Sometimes some pretty good schwag floats into the mailbox, and
getting an express envelope with an oh-so-tempting lump in it holds
plenty of potential.
The FedEx package that arrived Monday contained a promising bulge.
Sometimes some pretty good schwag floats into the mailbox, and getting an express envelope with an oh-so-tempting lump in it holds plenty of potential.
So we ripped off the Zipper thingie and plunged in. We found a sheaf of printed stuff and two boxes of what looked for all the world like mints. The word “wintergreen” is prominent on both of the small green boxes.
What’s not prominent – missing entirely in fact – is the surgeon general’s warning that appears on every package of cigarettes and smokeless tobacco products.
And the two green packages are tobacco products. But by tarting the stuff up as candy, the nice folks at Star Scientific, Inc., apparently don’t have to print that scary message from the nation’s top doc. The packages do note that “there are no safe tobacco products,” and “quitting or not starting is your best option.”
Okay, they talked me out of it. But the real inducement not to rip into the cellophane wrapping of each box is the warning that “some users may experience temporary dizziness, heartburn, hiccups or nausea.”
Temporary dizziness and nausea? I’ll take two!
The packaging seems to indicate that the two products, Ariva and Stonewall, are identical. It’s a fair guess that Ariva is the girly brand and Stonewall is for the tough guys.
While Ariva’s packaging tells us it offers “smokefree satisfaction,” Stonewall describes itself as “spit-free.” Probably grows more body hair on users as well.
How macho.
“Spit-free” is such a clever slogan that the folks at Star Scientific had it trade-marked.
Just thinking about the product positioning and advertising execs sitting around a conference room table conjuring up the “spit-free” haiku makes our minds reel, probably just like we’d each swallowed a double-shot of Stonewall.
Of course, the products do have their advantages, and they’ll probably find an enthusiastic market among tobacco users.
First, it must be nice to scratch the tobacco itch at work without having to go outside to hang out in some sketchy breezeway or carry around a cup to spit out hunks of brown stuff.
And then there’s the minty-fresh breath that replaces the smell of scorched weeds. That’s a plus.
Might even be able to shake that persistent hacking cough.
Star Scientific notes in the materials it provided with the free samples that 47 million Americans light up every day, and that one of every two long-term smokers will eventually develop lung cancer.
Now the good news: “smokeless tobacco is between 10 and 1,000 times less hazardous than smoking, depending on the product.” Moreover, this stuff has the lowest levels of tobacco-specific nitrosamines of any tobacco product available. That’s supposed to be a good thing?
Sounds like it’s practically a health food.
Strictly in the interests of empirical science, a staff member agreed to try the stuff. Being a manly man, he elected to reach for the Stonewall, while his girlfriend opted for the ladylike Ariva.
They both blocked out enough time that they could get their stomachs pumped if the experiment did not go according to Hoyle and took the plunge.
The verdict: a Stonewall feels about like it feels to smoke a cigarette.
Great beginnings
Tuesday was a beautiful day; sunny skies, light breezes, birdsong, the whole nine yards. What a day to sit on folding chairs and celebrate a momentous event in Hollister’s history. Ground was officially broken on the Highway 25 bypass project, an expressway that, when completed will mean that San Benito Street is no longer a state highway.
That means we all get downtown back. We can even have crosswalks.
Had a runaway tanker truck jumped the curb in front of Heritage Plaza, San Benito County would have been rendered almost completely politician-less. Supervisors, councilmembers, planners, even the county marshal were on hand to mark the occasion.
If you don’t understand why the bypass is a big deal, you probably never will. The effort dates back to the late 1980s, when local voters agreed overwhelmingly to tax themselves to pay for highway improvements.
We were all a lot younger then, but on Tuesday, we could all reflect on the idealism of a handful of volunteers with the vision to come up with solutions and the drive to make them happen.
Gentlemen, start your bulldozers!
