There comes a time in parenting when you realize that everything everyone told you about raising children is a big, fat lie. Also? When your mother curses you with “someday you will have a child just like you,” that will totally happen. Not that my dear, sweet, sainted mother ever cursed me like that, of course. Yeah, my mom reads this, can you tell?
Anyway, as part of my parenting journey I have come to discover that there are many myths about parenting that need to be dispelled.
Parenting keeps you young.
I don’t know who made this humongous lie up – but let me tell you this: whoever said this first was a big, lying, liar. Parenting AGES you. Seriously. Your first gray hair comes with the first step your child takes. Suddenly that child who previously was a small lump who rolled over, passed gas and burped has turned into a tiny gymnast who scales six-foot bookcases, uses the dining table as a trampoline and tries to ride the dog like a horse.
That first gray is followed by wrinkles and more gray hair throughout elementary school where you dread the words, “Mom! The principal is on the phone!” And then your child learns to drive and you realize that the very same child who cannot remember to empty the grass basket after mowing the lawn is driving a lethal weapon through town.
Quite honestly the youngest looking person I know is my sister who has no children and is free to spend all her discretionary income on trips to Vegas, Botox and designer purses. She looks like she’s 12. I look like I’m … not 12.
Children give you unconditional love.
Yes, they do. Provided, of course, that you understand that this unconditional love lasts until they are teenagers. At that point they still love you, but they also feel free to pick apart your clothes, your hair, your car, your job and even your housekeeping skills. But still. It’s unconditional. Unless one of the conditions is being seen in public with them and then it’s very much conditional love.
You are smarter than your kids.
Wait. I can’t answer this one until I stop laughing. Oh, you are never, ever smarter than your children. And they never, ever let you forget this.
Parenting comes naturally.
Please. It does not. Look, if parenting was this big, easy thing that everyone could do, why on earth would they write so many books telling you how to do it? And speaking of books, let me tell you this: the people who write about parenting have no more knowledge about raising children than you do. They’re just better at faking it. The only good thing about the books is that they give us hope. False hope, certainly. But hope nonetheless and that helps us to not give up when the principal’s office calls twice in one day.
Children don’t really want expensive gifts, they are happiest playing with boxes.
Seriously – nobody really believes that, do they? If you really believe this, I challenge you to do an experiment. Give one kid a box. Give the other an iPad. Now tell me who cries first. Hold on. That’s probably the parent. Tell me who cries second.
Children grow up so fast.
Wait. This one is true.
And of course, the truest part of parenting is that none of us knows the end of the story. We just muddle along, hoping like heck our best turns out to be good enough. And that we have grandchildren who turn out to be just like their parents.
