Laurie Sontag

Somehow I have ended up being the official hostess for Thanksgiving dinner for a dozen or so people. I have no idea why. I can only assume it’s a cruel joke. Anyway, to prepare, I consulted the Great Internet Advisors and found a handy little checklist that will ensure my turkey day goes off without a hitch.

Six Weeks Ahead

Start planning your menu

Seriously? We’re having turkey. Doesn’t everyone have turkey? How much planning and forethought does that take?

Based on your menu, decide what is doable

Nothing is “doable” unless it involves someone other than me cooking. And let me ask this: is “doable” a real word?

Invite guests

If I am cooking, we might as well invite the fire department, because I guarantee you they will arrive at dinnertime anyway to put the turkey out.

Five Weeks Ahead

Seriously? I have better things to do. Skipping all these steps. Five weeks. Sheesh. That’s still October, people.

Four Weeks Ahead

Do you people not have anything better to do? It’s Thanksgiving dinner, not the Battle of the Bulge. Oh, wait. Maybe it is the Battle of the Bulge, depending on your intake of pumpkin pie. Whatever. Not planning four weeks ahead.

Three Weeks Ahead

Now we’re talking. Let’s see what I have to plan.

First Shopping Trip

Wait. What? Crud. Maybe I should have paid attention in weeks five and four. I don’t know what I’m buying. Food? Tablecloth? Fire extinguishers?

Clean the Pantry

Omigod. This is the most dangerous job in the house. But I will tackle it.  Hey, look. I found last year’s box of stuffing. I wonder if it is still usable?

One Week Ahead

Clean the house

Oh, you kill me, Great Internet Advisors. Do you honestly believe that if I clean the house a week ahead of time that the people and dogs that live here will keep it spotless? Please.

Three Days Before

Clean the fridge

Is there no end to the torture? Really? Some of that stuff in the back is alive. I’m not touching it.

Prep food

What food? I skipped weeks five and six. We don’t have any food.

One Day Before

Set table, including candles

OK, I put plates on there. However, we still don’t have any food. Also? The limits of my insurance company prevent me from having lit candles in my home.

Thanksgiving Day

Enjoy your day

Oh, I plan to. The one thing I have is lot of wine and I’m telling you, that makes everything better. Plus? I think the neighbors are barbecuing their turkey, so I’m sending Junior next door to steal it. Once it’s cooked, of course.

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