Did you hear the one about the similarities between the Lincoln
and Kennedy assassinations? Was all that up-by-the-bootstraps list
of Lincoln’s failures true? Was Lincoln gay? Did Lincoln marry Mary
Todd as his second choice, way behind the ethereal and stone-dead
Ann Rutledge? Was Mary Todd Lincoln really crazy, as in
certifiable?
Did you hear the one about the similarities between the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations? Was all that up-by-the-bootstraps list of Lincoln’s failures true? Was Lincoln gay? Did Lincoln marry Mary Todd as his second choice, way behind the ethereal and stone-dead Ann Rutledge? Was Mary Todd Lincoln really crazy, as in certifiable?
Here are some of the wildest Lincoln theories.
Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations and the parallels
File the similarities here under “Do you want to believe?” If you want to believe in them, they’re there. If you don’t, they’re laughable.
– Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846, elected president in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946, elected president in 1960.
– Lincoln’s secretary, Kennedy, warned him not to go to the theater. Kennedy’s secretary, Lincoln, warned him not to go to Dallas.
– Both were succeeded by men named Johnson.
– John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
– Lincoln and Kennedy both lost children while in the White House.
But even if these coincidences were more than that, what does that prove – that we should just ditch the American political system and go to the Psychic Network for political advice?
The similarities are easily exploded by the differences: Kennedy never got to run for a second term, whereas Lincoln was in his second term. Aside from losing a child while in the White House, Jackie Kennedy and Mary Todd Lincoln were nothing alike – nor were Andrew Johnson and Lyndon Johnson, the presidents who succeeded Lincoln and Kennedy after the assassinations.
Mary Todd Lincoln was crazy
Well, Mary Todd Lincoln did mental lockup time thanks to a spectacularly dysfunctional relationship with her surviving son, Robert Todd Lincoln.
She had a temper, held grudges, thought she saw ghosts (including Abe’s, with which she was “photographed”) and shopped until she dropped long before it was fashionable.
So while Mary Todd Lincoln was probably not your ideal companion for a cross-country road trip, anybody who could stand her would have had a real Thelma-and-Louise good time.
Ann Rutledge was Lincoln’s great love
The argument here is that Abraham Lincoln’s true love conveniently died young in 1835, leaving him to the clutches of scheming future-crazy Mary Todd. That Mary and Abraham had a stormy courtship enhances the argument – or perhaps hope – that Abe did better earlier in life.
On the other hand, Mary was considered a spirited beauty when young, and for Abraham, marrying into the Todd family was marrying up, particularly when you were born in a log cabin. Lincoln’s early biographer William Herndon was no fan of Mary’s and tended to encourage the Rutledge talk, but that was discredited – and recently, un-discredited. History is a malleable thing.
Lincoln was part of the Illuminati
That Lincoln was a member of the Illuminati, a mysterious group that has supposedly ruled the world for hundreds of years – skimming our resources, dictating our leaders – is one of the wackier theories out there. It’s frequently espoused by those who also think the Freemasons secretly rule the world and started ruling the United States as early as the Founding Fathers.
Some Illuminati theorists also think that Hitler was an Illuminati member.
Lincoln was gay
The argument here is that as a young frontier lawyer he slept in the same bed as other men. He spoke and wrote affectionately to other men. Was Lincoln a gay American?
The bed part of this equation is easy explained: There wasn’t a Marriott on every other corner. People slept wherever they could find a bed, didn’t trouble themselves much about its cleanliness, and counted themselves lucky to find a place out of the elements. It was not uncommon for two men to share a bed; had women traveled extensively to pursue their occupations in those days, it wouldn’t have been unusual for women to sleep two to a bed, either.
And about the interpersonal expressions of affection: Lincoln was an eloquent guy. He couldn’t gush about everybody, but when he got a head of steam behind a sentiment, he could drive home the point.
Lincoln was a failure at everything
This particular myth has been used to torture underachieving schoolchildren for decades.
In brief, it goes like this: Don’t be afraid of failure. Even America’s greatest figure failed, repeatedly. It includes references to Lincoln’s “failures” in business, his “failure” to get into law school, the death of his alleged true love Ann Rutledge, his “failures” to attain elected positions. All of this culminates with Lincoln’s election as president in 1860.
What do we learn? Never give up.
Except the story relies on outright falsehoods and stretches the truth right to its breaking point. Lincoln had a few bad breaks in business, but they didn’t land him in a debtor’s prison. Lincoln read law and attended trials for his legal training. Some of his “failures” to be elected were simply not running for re-election, or throwing support to another candidate.
And we’ve already discussed the Ann Rutledge-Mary Todd Lincoln dichotomy, from which we can take the following lesson: Die young.
Should you have dated the nation’s greatest president, you’ll come out better in history’s rumor mill.
