If you managed to survive the major shopping frenzy of Black
Friday with nothing more serious than a fractured finger or two,
clearly you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping. You have now
reached critical condition from a Christmas shopping perspective
and frankly, at this time of year, what other perspective is
there?
If you managed to survive the major shopping frenzy of Black Friday with nothing more serious than a fractured finger or two, clearly you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping. You have now reached critical condition from a Christmas shopping perspective and frankly, at this time of year, what other perspective is there?
Since the official countdown to Dec. 25 is ticking rapidly away, this means you’re in need of some serious help in the gift-buying department. Thinking of a shirt for Dad? New workpants for hubby? A gift card to the men’s clothing store perhaps? Oh, but those gift ideas are just so lame and last year.
Yes, I know men are notoriously hard to buy for but help is on the way, Christmas shoppers. As a valuable public service, here is your “All Male Gift-Buying Guide.” (Hint: Men, be sure to leave this handy list lying around where your special gal will find it.) Ladies, watch that special someone’s eyes light up on Christmas morning when he unwraps these clever gifts:
First up is the gift of his own place to hang out – a space within his very own home! No need to donate an actual room, here, ladies. Oh, no. With the personalized gift of an illuminated “Man Cave” sign, he can do those manly things in his own private space, even if that private space is just his old beat-up BarcaLounger. Imagine the pride he’ll feel when he displays his tastefully lit “Frank’s Man Cave” sign! Unless, of course, his name is Ed.
To go with his Man Cave, how about a few thoughtful gifts that guarantee he’ll never lack fun things to do with himself? For example, he’ll love reading his copy of “The Complete Front Pages of The New York Times” (years 1851-2008). And he’ll find hours of entertainment with the rollicking “Laser Beam Music Generator,” the device that plays musical notes when he moves his hands. And you thought great entertainment was dead! Feel the fun when he accompanies the laser symphony with geared-differential “Rotating Dual Disco Balls” that sport twin 4 1/2-inch diameter dazzling mirrored balls.
Afraid he’ll go blind in the glare of disco balls? Then the “Wide Screen Personal Movie Theater” is just the ticket. Like watching a 52-inch high-def screen from a distance of nine actual inches, he may look like a dork while wearing these goofy goggles, but he’ll never hear those people laughing at him because he’ll be listening to the movie’s action via cutting-edge dual stereo headphones.
Think all this “Man Cave” excitement might be too much for that special guy? Then why not hook him up to “The Personal Oxygen Bar?” This device increases his personal oxygen intake by 30 percent, induces relaxation and reduces stress – just like those fancy spas and resorts. Simply plug in the Oxygen Bar and he’ll enjoy a 30-minute session accompanied by soft music to complement his breathing pattern.
And we still aren’t finished! See to his every comfort with a pair of 12-hour heated socks. Yes, the dork factor is again disproportionately high for these battery-operated knee-highs, but who cares when your guy can warm his tootsies all day long on the low setting? If there’s a more tasteful way to soothe his achy dogs, I haven’t found it.
Putting our next item under your tree is, granted, a bit pricey. But you’ve made the decision that this is the year to spoil your man silly. Why not spring for the one and only Shelby Black Hornet automobile from Carroll Shelby’s personal collection? You can bid on this 1968 Shelby EXP500 CSS “Black Hornet” until Dec. 12. The fact that bidding starts at $100,000 shouldn’t deter you because your man is worth every mortgaged cent!
If the Black Hornet doesn’t work out, customizing his vehicle couldn’t be easier because we’ve found the best automotive accessory ever. Simply hook this thoughtful gift over his trailer hitch and he can “go” in style without ever having to find a rest stop again. You bethcha – it’s the “Off-Road Commode,” an actual toilet seat that goes along for the ride. Cleverly cantilevered outward from the rear bumper, this baby will support a whopping 500 pounds. Attractively covered in padded camouflage, the commode is not for use when the vehicle is in motion. Not for novices, this is one “throne” that should be left to the pros, people, because tragically the Off-Road Commode may be slippery when wet and trust me, the resulting “accident” wouldn’t be pretty.
Now if this handy shopping guide doesn’t bring new zing to Santa’s bag, I don’t know what will. And, if you’re lucky, your special guy just may turn to you on Christmas morning with wonderment in his eyes and proclaim with heartfelt emotion: “Hey, Sweetie? Next Christmas will you get me a gift card to the men’s clothing place? I could really use a couple of shirts.”
