Local shelters, mandated counseling and nonprofits all help stop
the cycle of violence
Emmaus House in Hollister is planning to open its doors in
coming months. The staff and board of directors of the shelter have
invited the community to join them Oct. 8 for a dedication
ceremony. The day’s events will be bittersweet.
Third in an occasional series
Local shelters, mandated counseling and nonprofits all help stop the cycle of violence
Emmaus House in Hollister is planning to open its doors in coming months. The staff and board of directors of the shelter have invited the community to join them Oct. 8 for a dedication ceremony. The day’s events will be bittersweet.
A safe haven
“It’s a catch-22 there,” said Candace Hooper, the district attorney-elect and a board member of Emmaus House. “We want it to be utilized, but on the other hand, we wish there wasn’t a need for it.”
For months, the shelter construction has been complete and it has been fully furnished. Two house managers and three part-time coordinators were recently hired. They still have one part-time coordinator position to fill.
Dale Yarmuth, the project manager for Emmaus House will announce the official opening date for the shelter at the Oct. 8 dedication.
From the outside, the shelter looks almost like a college dorm. Inside the rooms are warm and inviting. A living room area is scattered with children’s toys and stuffed animals. Everything from the building, furnishings and decorations have been donated or purchased through fundraisers.
Bedrooms are painted pastel colors and bedding is mixed and matched. Teddy bears and trucks fill the rooms.
“Children’s Miracle Network donated toys for the outside play area and the play room,” Yarmuth said.
When the shelter opens it will house a maximum of 10 women and up to 35 children. Female children up to 17 will be allowed at the shelter and male children up to 10 years of age, due to communal bathroom facilities.
“It is a huge resource to be able to have a roof over the heads of women and children for a week or a month or two months,” said Katie Fancher, the program coordinator for the San Benito Victim/Witness Assistance Center.
Victim/Witness handled 231 domestic violence cases in the county during 2005-2006. Fancher sees the shelter as a last resort for women. She supports women staying in their own home when it is safe. Laws allow officers to take the abuser out of the home and offer an emergency restraining order. Fancher hopes the shelter will be used only when a woman fears for her life.
The shelter staff is working with board members from many walks of life, such as Fancher and Hooper, to decide the best procedures and use of the shelter. They know they have a challenge because some community members know of its location.
“We have an alarm system for all doors and windows,” Yarmuth said. “We’ve been working with the Salinas shelter and a Santa Cruz shelter whose locations are known in their communities.”
Yarmuth believes allowing women and children to stay in a shelter in Hollister will cause less disruption to their lives. Hooper believes it could help prosecute some abusers if victims have a safe place to stay while a case goes to court. While restraining orders are available, some abusers ignore them. As with many matters surrounding domestic violence, there are few black-or-white answers.
Community solutions, a nonprofit that works in south Santa Clara and San Benito counties, has been advising the Emmaus House board as well.
“It’s so important that shelters be a confidential place,” said Perla Flores, the program director for the Solutions to Violence program for Community Solutions. “We never disclose what city a shelter is in.”
A support system
In addition to running a shelter at an undisclosed location, Community Solutions provides prevention and intervention services. They run a 24-hour crisis line and can take appointments for those who need more support.
Funding in San Benito County is meant to deal with sexual assault victims, but Flores said they would not turn away someone from SBC who called for help with domestic violence.
“We serve about 500 clients a year and of those, we shelter 70 women and 85 children,” Flores said. “We provide counseling to 50 women and 20 children.”
The nonprofit also provides legal assistance to 70 women a year. Community Solutions’ legal advocates are trained so that they receive a confidentiality privilege. The confidentiality privilege makes it possible for the women they work with to share their experiences without fear that what they say will come out in court.
“We call our philosophy women-centered,” Flores said. “The woman determines the services she needs. They are the experts on their situation. It is a partnership established around trust.”
Community Solutions offers counseling services and support groups.
“Counseling is important and that’s why we need to provide it,” Flores said. “But it needs to be voluntary. Telling [a victim] she must go to counseling is like telling her something is wrong with her, and she needs to go to counseling to do X, Y and Z and we will fix her.”
In addition to their intervention services, Community Solutions focuses on at-risk youth.
“One audience we work with is youth because more and more, we are seeing teens and youth younger and younger getting into relationships that are not healthy” and may be the precursor to violence later on. Flores said. “We have a curriculum called ‘What is love?’ presented at junior highs, high schools and youth centers.
The program discusses components of healthy relationships versus unhealthy relationships, such as the need for equality and respect.
“A lot of times [violence] is about power and control,” Flores said. “When he feels he is losing her, when she is trying to end the relationship, that is the most dangerous time for her.”
The other side
Of the community members working with domestic violence, Jim Caffiero is one of the few who sees things from the point of view of the abusers.
He is one of the few counselors in San Benito County who provides state-mandated counseling to men convicted of domestic violence. He has worked with abusers for 15 years.
“Ninety-five percent of these men have seen violence growing up or have experienced it themselves,” Caffiero said. “As they get older, a lot of these guys start to think this is normal.”
Caffiero leads two classes with 15 men each. The men pay $20 fines for each week’s meeting and must attend 52 weeks of class. During the sessions, Caffiero helps the men talk about their feelings, something most of them have never done before. Most of them see anger and happiness as the only emotions. They don’t understand the nuances of emotions such as betrayal or hurt, Caffiero said.
Other topics covered include anger management and parenting skills.
“Most parents who use violence use it because they don’t know what else to do,” Caffiero said.
Many of his clients have small children and he challenges them to change the way they deal with their kids.
“If they are going to break the cycle, they need to learn how to parent,” Caffiero said.
Like Flores, Caffiero said abuse is a learned behavior.
“My goal is to change their core beliefs and attitudes toward women,” he said. “I have seen a lot of men with significant change who see women as equals.”
One challenge for the men is that while they are going to counseling, their spouses or partners are not required to go to counseling. Some men in Caffiero’s group have dealt with resistance from their partners as they change.
“[Women] may be scared they are going to lose him,” Caffiero said. “Both people need to be on the same page. But she has been victimized and to tell her she has to go to counseling would further victimize her.”
As with men who are abusive, many women who are in abusive relationships were abused physically or sexually as children, Caffiero said.
The relationships may not be healthy, but they’re familiar.
“For some people there is a repetition compulsion,” he said, of the drive to get into similar relationships even when they are not healthy.
While some men seem to benefit from the program, Caffiero added some go 52 weeks and “haven’t heard a thing.” Once the men complete their program, the court system doesn’t track them to see if they stay out of trouble.
“There are probably a lot, after a year or two, who tend to backslide,” Caffiero said.
Caffiero makes a deal with every man who completes his class. They can come back for one-on-one counseling with him when they feel they might become violent again, as long as they commit to seeing him for three months.
“I watch them grow and give them the tools they should have had when they were younger,” he said. “I really believe everyone does the best they can with what they know.”
Related Stories
The ‘Most Dangerous’ police work – police response to domestic violence calls
Cycle hard to break – domestic violence in the court system
Domestic violence includes:
· Frightening a partner with a temper
· Criticizing daily things such as cooking, clothes or appearance
· Hitting, kicking, pushing or other physical harm
· Forcing or pressuring a partner to have sex
· Withholding money or financial resources
· Belittling a partner publicly or keeping them from seeing family and friends
· Threatening to take away children or reveal immigration status.
Resources:
· San Benito County Crisis Line: 831-637-SAFE (831-637-7233)
· Emmaus House: 831-636-7224
· Victim/Witness Assistance: 831-634-1397
· Community Solutions support group – Thursdays, 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Call 831-637-1094 to register.
· “Annual Women’s Empowerment Day” resource fair at Wheeler Manor in Gilroy, Oct. 26, 6-8 p.m. Call 408-842-7138 for more information.
