It’s soccer season. If you’re a parent of a school-aged child,
chances are you know what that means: evenings filled with long
practices, tangled Velcro shin guards, lost cleats and rules.
Lots and lots of rules.
It’s soccer season. If you’re a parent of a school-aged child, chances are you know what that means: evenings filled with long practices, tangled Velcro shin guards, lost cleats and rules.
Lots and lots of rules.
Now, let me just stop right here and say that as a mother and an upstanding citizen, I am a big advocate of rules.
Kids need them to feel secure, stay safe and to function successfully within civilized society and all that.
But, you see, I wasn’t referring to the rules for kids.
Oh, nooooo. I mean the rules for parents. And, believe me, there are plenty.
Sure, I’m as shocked as you are that these are deemed necessary. I mean you’d think that a person like me, a 5-foot 2-inch, 100-pound pacifist who graduated from a college that had as a sports mascot, the banana slug, would know how to behave at a kids sports game. YOU WOULD THINK.
But, apparently, the soccer league isn’t taking any chances.
So for your entertainment and enlightenment here is a compilation of the Official Rules of Soccer Deportment:
1. Pants shall be worn high enough not to show your underwear at all games. (No, I’m not making this up.)
2. Jewelry is allowed, as long as it is tasteful, preferably something in a lanyard made with team colors.
3. While the ball is in play, you are not to call out things like, “Way to go, Poozie Woozie,” or “Good job, Snookie Bear,” or anything else that might insinuate you gave birth to anyone on the team. A more low-key, “Hey, nice kick,” is an acceptably ambiguous comment.
4. When your team makes a goal, shout out louder than the other parents. This will not only show you have team spirit, it will make everyone think it was your kid who did it.
5. At post game pizza parties, food fights with the other team’s parents are prohibited. (No, I’m not making this one up either)
6. Don’t repeatedly yell out, “Let them play! Let them play!” Ironically enough, shouting this never works. The referee who just stopped the game almost never pauses and thinks about it and says, “Oh, okay. I’ll let them play.”
7. You may not yell out instructions while drinking coffee in your cushy lounge chair on the sidelines unless you are: a) a star player on the Olympic soccer team or b) married to the coach.
8. Before the game, say only these seven words to your child: Good luck. I love you. Have fun.
9. After the game, say only these seven words to your child: So, what do you want to eat?
10. Do not try to help by rushing from the sidelines and kicking the ball into the goal yourself no matter how clear of a shot you have. Trust me, no one appreciates this.
11. Never, ever shout things to the referee such as, “Hey, are you blind or something?” This is not only a dumb question (of COURSE he’s not blind, he drove himself to the game, didn’t he?) you should never irritate the person whose judgment effects the outcome of the match.
12. Support your child, even if he or she kicks the ball right into the goal of the opposing team. Remember encouragement brings out the best in children and they may be the ones taking care of you when you’re old.
13. If your team wins, take to both knees and hail all that is glorious in the presence of the god-like coach.
14. If your team loses, don’t blame the coach.
15. And, last but not least, have fun.
Debbie Farmer is a humorist and a mother holding down the fort in California, and the author of Don’t Put Lipstick on the Cat. You can reach her at
fa********@oa***************.com
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