I am always in awe of people who speak more than one language. Frankly, mastering English was a bit of a stretch for me (and yes, using the word “master” to describe my language skills is also a bit of a stretch). In high school, I spent three years in Spanish class. Three. Miserable. Years. That is time I can never, ever get back. And yet, after all that torture, the spanglish menu at Taco Bell can still be bewildering.
However, I have learned many, many words in that foreign language known as “teen.” Now, I’m not saying I’m fluent. And I do not know all the latest slang. (Although if you want to be properly horrified about what teenagers are saying, may I recommend Urbandictionary.com? Just be prepared to need eye bleach after reading.) Here are my top five entries in the teen to parent dictionary.
1. Whatever. This is sometimes shortened to whatevs.
This is a word with many meanings, most of which can be boiled down to, “I don’t care, this conversation is over and can I borrow $25 because I don’t pick up my paycheck until Monday.” It is primarily used as a tool to end any type of discussion a parent may initiate with the goal of educating your child on a certain subject, such as not revving up your engine in the school parking lot when school personnel are present. Not that I’ve ever had to initiate this discussion. Twice.
2. Fine.
This is also a conversation ender. In fact, it appears that many words teenagers use are uttered with the sole intention of having the parent stop yammering about unimportant stuff like math grades and biology finals. Basically, the word “fine” never, ever means fine. It really just means, “Please stop talking so I can move on to really import stuff like texting my friends and watching ‘The Walking Dead.’”
3. And yeah …
When my teenager first said this to me, I thought he was brain dead or had just realized that what he was telling me could result in him being grounded from texting his friends or watching “The Walking Dead.” Turns out I was sort of right. Not about the brain dead part. But I was totally right about the whole “Oh crap, I might get in trouble if I tell her this” thing.
4. Thanks.
As with many foreign languages, this word varies in meaning depending on tone. Sadly, so many teenagers rarely veer from a sarcastic tone, so it’s very difficult to tell what the true meaning of “thanks” really is. It could be “Thanks for explaining the second Bush administration for my history exam and not dissolving into a puddle of tears when you realized that events that you recently lived through are considered historical to my generation.” Or, it could be “Please stop talking so I can move on to really import stuff like texting my friends and watching ‘The Walking Dead.’” It may even be “OMG I am not eating broccoli again so I’m saying ‘thanks’ to you in the hope that you have to stop to try to figure out what I mean and therefore do not notice me surreptitiously feeding broccoli bits to the dog.”
5. Dude.
This word is like “aloha.” It basically means anything you want it to mean. It can refer to a person, as in, “Look at that dude.” It can refer to a person’s intellectual capacity: “Dude, you’re stoop.” It can refer to incredulity: “Dude, really?” It can convey anger: “DUUUUUUUDDDDDE.” When accompanied by an eye roll, it can stop a conversation, as in, “Dude, please stop talking so I can move on to really import stuff like texting my friends and watching ‘The Walking Dead.’”
Sadly, there are many, many other words in the teen to parent dictionary that I do not understand. But I’m hoping to be less bewildered by teen speak by the time my teenager becomes an adult and has kids of his own. Oh, and if someone could explain what the word “enchirito” means, that would be helpful.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. You can contact her at
La****@la**********.com
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