It’s the end of the year and you know what that means. Yes, we
all sit down, and make our resolutions. Now in the past I have
tried not to make resolutions. But the problem is that when you
resolve not to make resolutions, isn’t that a resolution?
It’s the end of the year and you know what that means. Yes, we all sit down, and make our resolutions. Now in the past I have tried not to make resolutions. But the problem is that when you resolve not to make resolutions, isn’t that a resolution? I know. It’s conundrums like this that keep me up at night. Well that and too much caffeine during the day.
Anyway, this year a friend said she was making a gratitude list. Turns out these are very trendy. And since I am never one to shy away from a trend (including, unfortunately, leg warmers and ’80s hair), I decided to make my own end of the year gratitude list.
n I am grateful that even though we hosted Thanksgiving dinner this year, I did not have to stick my hand up the turkey’s butt to stuff it. Instead, Harry took pity on our family and friends and he did it. Does he love me or what? I mean, how many other men would be willing to stick their hands up the butt of a dead animal just so his wife didn’t have to do it? Wow. That brings a tear to my eye. A little tear, of course. Oh, never mind. I had an eyelash stuck there.
n I am grateful that the dog has finally learned to go outside to use the bathroom. When we first got her, she apparently mistook Junior’s entire room as a substitute for an outdoor peeing area. You can imagine how lovely his room smells. Come to think of it, I’m grateful the dog didn’t mistake MY room for the outdoor peeing area. There. Two gratitudes in one. This whole “gratitude” thing is so easy! Wait! There’s more! I’m also grateful that we’re getting new carpet in the new year. I’ll let you guess why.
n Chocolate. Please. I don’t have to explain this one, do I?
n Stretch jeans. Come ON. If you really need to know why, see above.
n I am grateful that nobody died despite the fact that I actually cooked dinner several times this year. Yes, the dinners mainly consisted of stuff I put in a microwave – but the danger was always there. And no, I don’t think the nine days my brother-in-law spent in the hospital after Thanksgiving was in any way related to the fact that he ate several meals here. OK, maybe. But don’t tell my sister. She’ll make me pay the hospital bill.
n I am grateful that the stupid turkeys that used to use my backyard as sort of a wild bird nightclub have finally found another backyard to meet and mate in. Trust me when I say that turkeys are the loudest animals ever.
n I am grateful that on Sept. 3, 2008 every room in my house was clean AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. I know. It’s a miracle. A blessing. A once-in-a-lifetime event that will never be repeated. But it happened. I know it happened. I have the video. You can borrow it if you’d like.
n I am grateful that Junior didn’t do the science project he wanted to do this year, something involving space aliens, DNA and Jell-O. Yeah, I didn’t understand it either. Instead he’s going with a tried and true plant growth thing. Unfortunately, we still have to find a way to recycle the space rocket in the backyard.
n I am grateful that this year I only did 9,823 loads of laundry, 72 percent of which consisted of mismatched socks. Yeah I’m being sarcastic, but it’s my list.
n I’m grateful that even though my butt is in the process of a massive expansion, my chest is also. It provides a nice counter-balance so I don’t fall over on my face every time I try to walk upright. Which, judging from the size of my butt, isn’t often. And as a bonus, it makes a nice crumb catcher. My chest, not my butt, of course.
Now, if you really, really want to read my resolutions, you can check them out in “Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolutions.” Mine are in there. And the book is out there at bookstores everywhere. Happy New Year!
