No fooling; we’re waiting for an eWaste event

The other day I got a message from my friend Linda, who was
going on about a local fundraiser (more about that below) involving
something called “eWaste.” Now at the risk of sounding cynical,
with so much eThis and eThat being flung about these days, I
thought Linda had finally taken leave of her senses.
The other day I got a message from my friend Linda, who was going on about a local fundraiser (more about that below) involving something called “eWaste.” Now at the risk of sounding cynical, with so much eThis and eThat being flung about these days, I thought Linda had finally taken leave of her senses.

C’mon now, eWaste? When I analyzed this “e” term, images coming to mind were … well, they just weren’t pretty, people! Had I overlooked something in the care and feeding of my computer? Are there poop police in cyberspace that deal with, um … computer droppings? Honestly, what else could this “eWaste” business be?

OK, I am a naïve ninny sometimes. Linda explained very patiently that (thankfully) “eWaste” isn’t LITERALLY cast-off electrons, hanging chads or whatever else I feared was emanating unseen from my desktop. And yeah, the temptation to peek underneath my computer was real.

If you are as unenlightened as I was, let me tell you about eWaste. It is obsolete or surplus electronic equipment such as computers and accessories including printers, cables and FAX machines as well as tvs, radios, cameras and cell phones. Who knew?

Discerning my denseness of eThings a colossal hindrance, I decided to seek out other “eStuff” and – Mercy! There are simply scads of anxiously awaited eOfferings coming our way. Such as:

The eDiet: Want to shed a few pounds? The eDiet prompts you to enter your desired weight and, thanks to cutting-edge electronics, any tendency to fall off the wagon is gone forever. Your food is delivered to your door on a healthy, conveniently pre-burned CD that you view comfortably from your dining room table. Added bonus: No more kitchen clean up! If you’re a namby-pamby who argues you can’t survive on zero calories per day, order the optional “Roger the Robot Refrigerator Guard,” a 10-foot automation that exhibits ominous gestures when approached. Affixed to your chill chest, Roger averts potential midnight raids on the fridge. 

The eWorkout: Attach the cable to a USB port on your computer and this superior hardware goes to work. Placed over your midsection, tiny bolts of electrical impulses zap your abs into submission. If you find a six-pack desirable, wait until you see the boatload of abdominal awesomeness derived from your eWorkout. Caution: Check with your doctor. Must be able to withstand 14 trazillion volts of electricity per ab.

The eWardrobe/Highstyle/ Hairdo:EthernetUMinX10D: Who would have believed that a few moves of your mouse could “net” you a wardrobe so sumptuous it would make Oprah envious? Bonus: order the latest update, “Hair-do-a-go-go,” and make bad hair days as obsolete as Windows Me. Upload your old high school photograph, and this software package re-dresses your dorky image in haute couture ensembles and allows your locks to be updated into the latest mane design by Mr. Mac, Hairstylist to the Stars. Time for your class reunion? You’re all set! Simply download your new wardrobe look and sexy ‘do and email it off to your reunion committee. Guaranteed to make you the talk of the town, no matter how big a nerd you were in high school.

The eAutoMechanic: Yo, dude! This component will make your coolest pals green-eyed with envy. Enter your auto’s VIN number and lean back in your bucket seat as the awe-inspiring joystick sweeps your vehicle’s engine and vital parts from front to rear. Faster than you can say “computer scam,” er … “scan,” your car’s high mileage odometer rewinds all the way back to zero!

The eBankAccount: Motherboard, smotherboard. No more “zero” bank accounts, bunky! Install the MogulDirect 500K.Verson2.1.Dollar.IP.Stack.net to obtain bank statements simulating those of Donald Trump. Bring home the bacon with the”mother” of all computer aps and learn if you have what it takes to be a tycoon. Note: checks are written in virtual ink. Talented Tax Attorney Mechanism sold separately.

The eCation: No $$ to take a “real” vacay this year? No worries! “DigitizeTHIS” loads the family into a limo simulator bound for London. Cross oceans in seconds, sleep in snazzy hotels, dine on food fit for a king – all for about the same price as filling up the family car. Bonus: Travel before April 29 and be an honored, virtual guest at Kate and Prince William’s royal wedding.

Hahaha … Happy April eFool’s Day! Yes, I totally made up this “eStuff,” which is, I’m sure, a real shock. But the aforementioned “eWaste?” All true! Furthermore, you are invited (no fooling!) to bring YOUR personal eWaste to the new “Friends of the Morgan Hill Senior Center” eWaste Collection Event from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, April 9, at the Vineyard Town Center parking lot. Find details at www.fmhsc.org/events.html. Proceeds benefit the Centennial Recreation Senior Center. It’s a great way to reduce your eClutter and help seniors, too. And that’s no joke!