Getting the calls right is an easy job, says Rich Taylor. Read a
book, take a test, make some money
“Is this guy watching the same game we are,” I remarked jokingly one afternoon. Amid laughter from the spectators surrounding me I realized the official heard my quip as well. A glaring stare showed his disgust with my attempt at sports humor.
Well, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have said it in earshot of him, but hey, it was a horrendous call. The three blind mice had a better chance of making the right call. Upon further review from every fan in attendance and a show of hands, he still made the wrong call.
This youth league whistleblower fresh out of Referee University with a degree in officialology, watched a soccer ball dribble off a player right out of bounds and he gave the ball to the same team that hit it out of play.
Hence, my aforementioned line.
Personally, I think being an official and getting calls right is an easy job. Read a book, take a test and go make some money. What’s the big deal. Who needs experience? Heck, I could officiate a field hockey game tomorrow with no problem.
If you wanted to yell at me over a bad call, and believe me I would never even make one, I’d yell back. Keep yelling at me and I’ll keep yelling at you. Yell some more, I’ll yell louder. My motto on this is you’ll never win this war, so don’t even try.
Think you’re a know-it-all rule book aficionado with a penchant for always being right? I’ll send you back to your respective bench to look up the disputed call by giving you the exact section, paragraph, rule number, year the rule came to pass, who introduced the rule and the page, so you can wince in finding out I was right.
Yell at me from the stands because you think you have the liberty to do that and you’ll be watching the game from the parking lot. Yell at me from the parking lot and I’ll put you on a one-way VTA bus ride to Yosemite.
Refereeing soccer would be a breeze. Officials wear shorts (something I live in year-round ) and have cards that control the game. Wow, just like blackjack in Vegas minus the shady dealer. I would opt for sandals instead of black shoes because they go better with shorts and are far more color coordinated.
In basketball, infractions occur on every play, so I’d just blow my whistle all day and be affectionately known as the whistleblower ref. Contact. Yep, another whistle.
Let’s face it, a foul always happens on every shot in basketball, and with that in mind I’d also blow the whistle on every dribble, screen, full-court press, inbound play, rebound or as soon as the players strolled out of the locker room, because someone is always pushing somebody even if nobody is watching.
Umpiring softball and baseball is relatively a piece of cake. All you have to remember is that a tie goes to the runner, anything remotely close on a pitch is a strike (or a ball if one of the coaches was the used car salesman that sold you a lemon), and everyone is safe until proven otherwise in a court of law.
Judging a gymnastics meet or an ice skating competition can’t be as mind boggling as you might think. To me, if it looks good, it’s a 10. Fall down, automatic zero. Plain and simple. Adding in the points for difficulty shouldn’t be rocket science. Anyone can do a cartwheel and skating in a circle is not a move of brilliance. I might add I can count from one to 10 so what’s the big deal about awarding numbers.
I guess I would have to become accustomed to people making light of my looks by telling me I should go back to my day job of sniffing luggage at the airport or that I should look through the mask and not at it. Someone would be sure to call me Cyclops or mention that I should stop eating at Cheeseburgers ‘R Us.
Some unruly fans would be sure to tell me that I should go on that Slim Fast diet. Well, I’ve got news for them. I had 30 of those shakes for lunch the other day and didn’t lose a pound!
Yeah, looking at all the sports imaginable, I could be an official with ease, even if the catcalls from the rafters reigned down on me within earshot of my position.
That is, until someone behind my back remarked that I can’t be watching the same game as they are. I’d have to toss that person!
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Rich Taylor has been coaching youth sports for over 25 years, is the Co-Director of the ACE Powerband national arm strengthening program and formerly scouted and coached in professional baseball. His column, A Sideline View, appears once a week. Reach him at [email protected]
